


Betrayed-Marauder's Era

by jscott89



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, MWPP, Male Slash, Romance, Suicide Attempt, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-18
Updated: 2014-12-18
Packaged: 2018-03-02 02:39:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2796614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jscott89/pseuds/jscott89
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A week after the Whomping Willow incident, Remus has lost everything. Pointing his wand to his wrist he mutters "Diffindo". As he closes eyes waiting for death, Remus thinks back to what led him to this. S/R slash, attempted suicide. A series of flashbacks from both Remus's and Sirius's prospective starting with the Willow incident. Also on FF.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Betrayed

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy! Nothing owned by me, it's all JK's. Please read and review!

****Chapter 1: Remus** **

It was a dark, dreary night. I could hear the sounds of the others sleeping as I kept my sleepless vigil. It was too much. What was the bloody point? It had happened and there was nothing I could do to erase it.

Rising from my bed, I grabbed my wand, and headed to the loo.  
Here I am now…looking into the mirror but not seeing my reflection, but seeing Lily, James, and Peter. Would they miss me? I'm sure at least a little bit. But they would be free from the danger of being the friend of a werewolf. James and Peter wouldn't have to pretend to be angry with Sirius anymore and things would go back to the way they should be.  
Moving from the mirror I raise my wand to the door. 'Colloportus'. I The locks in the clicked and a small red outline of the door glowed briefly. This was for the best. They didn't need me the way I needed them. Sirius didn't need me at all…but he…he was my oxygen. I needed him and his love. 

Now that I realized I had never had his love, what was the point? Sitting down on the floor I pointed the end of my wand to my left wrist. "D..Di…Diffindo!" The cut in my wrist was deep and dark red blood erupted out of the cut, covering my arms, boxers, legs, and the floor. I examined the wound in a strangely unattached manner as if I were looking at something not connected to me. After a few seconds I closed my eyes, laid my head against the wall and closed my eyes.

Eight ago I had been the happiest that I ever had been before in my life. I had everything I could ever have dreamed of and more. I had three amazing friends whom I loved deeply. James, the arrogant yet caring leader of the Marauder's the little goof-ball gang I was part of. Peter the shy yet funny friend who was always good for a good game of wizard's chess. Lily who is so sweet and smart. Like the Marauder's she had accepted not only my lycanthropy, but she was also the first person I came out as gay too. I feared rejection from her and my other friends, but the complete opposite had happened. They all embraced me for who I was and Sirius…he had become the light of my life.

When I told the Marauder's I was gay we sat in silence that seemed to stretch for eternity. The first person to react was Peter. He got up and went for his trunk. My stomach fell…he was going to demand to be moved to a new dorm. Instead he pulled out a bag of money and pulled out four galleons and silently deposited two each to Sirius and James who accepted it with smiles. It took another two seconds to realize what was going on. "You three made BETS?" I asked incredulously. 

The three nodded, "James and I had been wondering since second year. We both agreed you would come out fifth year and sure enough!" All of them started to laugh and only barley was Sirius able to choke out, "But..Wormy…thought..it would be…seventh year." And the roars of laughter continued. They took bets on my sexuality? I could murder them…instead; I pulled out my wand, "Levicorpus!" I laughed as their own laughter turned to shouts of panic.

Two nights later I was prowling the astronomy tower. It was a cold October Sunday night and I just felt like I had to get away from everyone. Not long after I had arrived I heard someone else coming. When the door opened I caught Sirius's scent…and it made me weak at the knees. When Sirius finally came through the door I started to get nervous though. He had a very troubled countenance that graced his features.

"Remus, we need to talk." He said simply. The years I had known Sirius taught me that when he said "We need to talk" means I need to sit back, shut up, and let him get off of his chest what he needed to. I did as much.

Sirius started to pace, hi right hand running through his black locks of hair and his left fiddled nervously in his pocket. "Remus, the other day when you told us that you were gay, it wasn't exactly the biggest shock I'd ever received. But Remus, when you actually said the magical word, I realized our friendship simply can't continue." He stopped pacing and looked at me as he said the last few words.

I don't know what it is like for someone to rip open your body and pull out all your organ's feels like, but the feeling I was experiencing must be similar. I felt completely hollow inside. My grasp of reality was gone, I could hear him speaking but words meant nothing. I had lost Sirius…someone whom I had loved as a broth…who am I kidding? I loved his as more. I long since have come to terms with the fact that I would never have him as a lover…but not even as a friend…I could feel the tears starting to form in my eyes. But I would NOT let them be shed, I would not let him take my dignity.

"Moony…Moony…REMUS!" Sirius's shouting brought me back to reality. "You faded out there for a minute chap. So, what do you have to say?" I took a few deep steadying breaths. "I totally understand Padfoot. I should have realized, I mean, the signs were there when I told you and the other two I was gay…" Sirius cut me off. He looked incredulous. "Really? Wow, you can really read me then Moons. I mean, I did everything I could not to really show how I felt, I figured it would make things uncomfortable." I just shook my head. "I…I could just tell. I'm sorry, Sirius. I'll ask McGonagall to move me to a different dormitory…"

Again, Sirius cut me off. "Why would I want you in a different dormitory?" My calm façade was starting to crack and I could hear the pain in my voice as I glared at him, "Because you think I'm a sick fucker for being a poof, I should have known you would hate…" "HATE? Moons, did you not hear a word said?"  
Rolling his eyes he took a step forward, wrapped his arm around my waist and brought his lips to mine. I thought my legs would give out. His lips were much softer than I had ever imagined, almost delicate. I didn't know how long the kiss lasted, but when it broke apart I had to gasp for air…I had forgot to breath. "Remus John Lupin, I could never hate you. I love you more than anything in the world."

That had been a year ago today. In the intervening year I had fallen more deeply in love with Sirius than I ever thought was possible. I had become used to the idea of being alone my entire life. A gay werewolf was not exactly on many peoples list of people to date. But finding out the man who held my heart returned the feelings…it had been a year of bliss. Even when Sirius had run away from home because his parents found out about our relationship could not disturb either of us.  
Even when in the last week he had seemed distant, I didn't give it much thought. I tried what I could do to cheer him up and at times it seemed to work. Whenever I asked him what was wrong he would smile and insist nothing, then he would plant a kiss on me and we would move on.  
But last week…it had been the full moon. I knew something was wrong the moment I awoke that morning. My body was on fire, I was certain of it. My body was absorbed in pain I hadn't felt since the Marauder's had started to join me on the full moon. My eyes darted around my bed in the hospital wing. An old man with flowing white hair and a beard that reached his waist stood at the foot of my bed. The usual twinkle in Professor Dumbledore eyes was gone. Beside him on either side were Prongs and Wormtail, looking as solemn as I had ever seen them.

They explained to me how Sirius had told Snape to hit the knot of the Whomping willow and had glimpsed me in my furry condition. It was only a few hours later when James and Peter had been forcibly ejected from the Hospital Wing by Madam Pomfrey that Sirius came in. He looked as pale as I felt; I had seen corpses with more color. His face was puffy and red, I could tell he had been crying and his voice was barely perceptible. "Moony, sweet heart, I'm sorry!" By the time he choked out my name he had dissolved into tears again. I was shocked I hadn't broken down. I was shocked that I felt nothing at all. I felt void. "Sirius, please leave." I murmured, just loud enough for him to hear.  
"Please, love, let me explain." He pleaded as he approached my bed. I looked into his eyes and could see that his regret was sincere. But regret for what I pondered? Regret he had hurt me? Regret he almost killed another student? Probably not, he was a Black. Their true motto is "Save your own ass first." He was in trouble, lots of it, and this would be why there was regret. Regret he had got caught.

My voice was monotone, I tried to inject some type of emotion, but it simply wasn't in me. "Sirius, there is nothing to explain. You betrayed my trust and my love." Sirius's legs gave out and he collapsed next to my bed and wept uncontrollably. His hands attempted to hold mine. I pulled my hand away and just stared at him, my blind completely blank.  
Alerted by his loud sobs, Madam Pomfery came in and shooed him out of the Hospital Wing. The next week passed by and I avoided Sirius. I refused to look at him or acknowledge him in anyway. I was afraid that if I did, I would fall apart.

At night, when I prayed for sleep, or more preferably, death, to come, I laid there thinking I should have known this would happen. I should have known that Sirius Black could never have loved me. How could I have been so stupid and rash in thinking someone could actually love me? He had to have planned this.  
Perhaps he had realized how over his head he was in and how in love with him I was. He had to have known had he broken up with me it would have spelled the end of the Marauders, the end of his perfect group. So what better way to no longer have to date me and keep James and Peter than to not only get rid of me, but the man he hated most, Severus Snape. Two birds with one stone as the saying goes. Of course it went south, so what else was he to do? Plead a lapse of judgment and his famous temper and things would go back to normal.

With these thoughts racing through my mind I opened my eyes. I was shocked by the amount of blood that now surrounded me. Who knew the human body could hold so much? Well, a doctor, but as I was not a doctor, it could come as a shock without any snickering. The scene before me was fuzzy and I could tell my focus on reality was failing. This was for the best.


	2. Discovered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, I own not these excellent characters. They all belong to JK. Please read and review!   
> This chapter is from Sirius' point of view.

I have not slept more than an hour or two at a time in the past week and it was beginning to seriously get to me. How could I have betrayed Remus like I that? I could feel new tears start to stream out of my eyes. I had never been one to cry, it wasn't something that was encouraged at Grimmauld Place. "A Black does not cry. That is for lesser people." It was a saying I had heard my father repeat many times over.

It was one of the rules I had actually followed, so even when life was at its hardest, my eyes stayed dry. There were only a couple exceptions. The first was when Remus and I shared our first kiss on top of the astronomy tower. In the two days since Remus officially came out to us, James had been threatening me with every curse he knew until I told Remus how I felt about him. That night Remus and seemed restless and ended up leaving the common room, muttering something about getting some air. After several minutes James pulled out his wand and pointed it at me. "Go tell him you dirty mutt or you will be transformed into one of McGonagall's bras."

I shivered. If I wasn't gay before that I definitely would be now. I nodded and made my way to the tower. Remus was leaning on the rail, lost in thought.

"Remus, we need to talk." I said simply. I took a deep and steadying breath.

I started to pace, and to conceal my shaking hands I put my right hand running through hair. "Remus, the other day when you told us that you were gay, it wasn't exactly the biggest shock I'd ever received. But Remus, when you actually said the magical word, I realized our friendship simply can't continue." I stopped pacing and looked him in the eyes. I felt my mind begin to go off track. Every time I looked directly in his eyes I got lost in them. They were so warm and inviting and they pulled me in. At first I had tried to resist but now I was all too willing to sink into their depths.

"The fact is Moony is that I haven't had just friendly feelings for you in quite a while. Just over time I realized that when I looked at you my heart would gallop, my palms would get sweaty and generally all those nice signs of something deeper than friendship. The truth is…I love you Remus John Lupin and if you feel the same, I'd like to take you on a date this weekend, just the two of us." I continued to stare at him waiting for some kind of reaction…but there was nothing. He didn't run away nor did he run up and cover my sexy body in kisses. In fact, it rather looked like the lights were on but nobody was home.

I cleared my throat. "Moony…Moony…REMUS!" I shouted at the top of my lungs the last word. "You faded out there for a minute chap. So, what do you have to say?"

He looked scared and his voice was shaky when he responded. "I totally understand Padfoot. I should have realized, I mean, the signs were there when I told you and the other two I was gay…" I rolled my eyes and cut across him. "Really? Wow, you can really read me then Moons. I mean, I did everything I could not to really show how I felt, I figured it would make things uncomfortable." I just shook my head. "I…I could just tell. I'm sorry, Sirius. I'll ask McGonagall to move me to a different dormitory…"

I was feeling very frustrated by this point. "Why would I want you in a different dormitory?" Remus' response was terse. "Because you think I'm a sick fucker for being a poof, I should have known you would hate…" I took a few steps closer to Remus until he was just a breath away. "HATE? Moons, did you not hear a word said?" I put my arm around his waist and let my lips touch his. It was even better than I had imagined…and I had imagined it many, many, many a time. As I he started to kiss back I could feel a single tear escape my closed eyes. This was perfect.

But this week…this week and broken me. I cried more this past week than ever in my life, many times over.

I was running late that wretched night. The reason for my tardiness was a detention with McGonagall. For some random reason she didn't like the cat scratching post the Marauders and I had bought her. Since I was the one who presented it to her at the beginning of class, I had been singled out for the detention.

I was making my way through the entrance courtyard when I bumped into a man who had enough grease in his hair it could have supplied the world for eons. I did my best to ignore him; I had much more important things to do that deal with that hooked nose git.

"Black, why are you in such a hurry? Off to breed your bitch?" All thought of getting to the Shrieking Shack was gone. No one ever called Remus a bitch, especially when it was Severus Snape. I wheeled at him, pulling my wand as I did, but he was quicker. I had barley even thought of a spell than I was thrown against a wall of the castle.

"Sorry, not this time Black. But did that offend you? I was simply telling the truth. Lupin is just your bitch; he's the collective bitch of your little group. The wimp couldn't take two steps without of you holding his hand." Snape came closer as I struggled to get up. His face had a malicious grin as he insulted Remus.

"You don't even know Remus, you berk. Remus could destroy you without a wand and you'd never stand a chance." Snape just grinned all the more. "Really? I'd like that to happen. But I doubt it will. He's too fragile to fight for himself after all."

I was beyond on boiling point. I hated this misconception about Remus. People just assumed that the scrawny bookworm was defenseless and weak and the Marauders provided him protection. In truth, Remus was stronger than the Marauders and Gryffindor house combined. Month after month and year after year he put up with his transformations with little protest. Even when the wounds would have killed another, Remus would bear it without so much as a groan of pain. For this pathetic greasy hair git to call Remus defenseless and weak…it was nauseating.

"Fine, Snivellus. You want your chance? You can have it. Remus will be all alone and defenseless and you can take your shot at him. In half an hour go to the Whomping Willow, there is a small knob at the base of it, hit it and go through the tunnel. But I promise you, Remus will tear you to bloody pieces." Snape smiled and slashed his wand again and sent me flying back at the wall and all went black.

When I came around I looked at my watch. I had been out ten minutes. Slowly the conversation I had with Snape came back. It felt like a pile of bricks slide down my throat and into my stomach. Only one word entered my brain and it came out of my mouth in a loud shout. "SHIT!" I blurted and ran faster than I had ever run in my life. I had made it up two flights of the Grand Staircase when I finally ran into Prongs and Wormy. "Ja…Jam…Prongs, I messed up…" I tried to speak as clearly as I could but my body yearning for oxygen made it hard. "Snape…I told him…knot on the willow, Moony…MOONY" I screamed the last word in desperation. What had I done? The pain of my own treachery to my Moony had fully and totally gripped me and my shaking legs gave out.

The look on James's face was absolute terror. 'YOU DID WHAT?" he roared. Without waiting for a response James tore off for the door, as he did he shouted, "PETE, GET DUMBLEDORE!"

My reminiscences about this horrible week were interrupted as I heard someone nearby stir and get out of bed. It was Remus. I could see him through the gap of the bed curtains; he grabbed his wand and made his way to the bathroom. He still wasn't talking to me. Nor were any of the other Marauders. It was like I was in my own personal cloister with no contact to anyone I loved. I hated seeing Remus in his bed.

Until the past week Remus hadn't been in his own bed since the year started nearly 5 months ago. I yearned to feel his warm figure beside me again. I loved being physical with him, and it wasn't just the sex. It was more than that. It was just holding him. It was hearing his slow steady breaths as fell asleep. I missed being able plant a small kiss on his neck and let my face linger there, taking in his exquisite aroma. I missed watching him wake up. His eyes slowly opening and the small smile he got whenever he realized I was watching him. Every time I saw him smile I feel even more madly in love him with.

But that was all gone now. I had seen to that. My body began to tremble again as I tried to stop myself sobbing for the fourth or fifth time that day, I didn't keep track anymore. It would be between class, at meals, or once, as I served one of my many detentions to come. It had taken Professor McGonagall by surprise as had been conversing with Professor Dumbledore and had merely mentioned something about the moon. It was too close to 'Moony' and I broke down.

After several seconds I felt a warm arm over my shoulder. Professor Dumbledore had come to me. He lowered his face near mine and looked at me, his bright blue eyes shining underneath his half-moon specs. "The void of feeling like you have lost a loved one is the deepest form of darkness's in our lives. It seems like the darkness is indestructible. But even when there is a flicker of love left, it is enough because in the heart of the darkness's strength lies weakness: one lone flicker is enough to hold it back. Love is more than a flicker. Love can ignite the stars."

How does that man always have the words to make you feel better I wondered? I was lost in my thoughts for what seemed an eternity. I was waiting for Remus to come back out of the loo. I wanted to glimpse him again and take in his awe striking beauty.

After more time passed I realized my bladder was becoming uncomfortably heavy. Maybe…just maybe if I go in there under the pretense of having to use the loo I could get the chance to stare into his eyes again.

I slid out of my bed and made my way to the door and tried to open it. It wouldn't budge. Playing with the knob a bit the door could not budge. I put my ear to the door and listening…nothing. Had he gone in there and fallen asleep?

Going back to the bed, I grabbed my wand and went back to the door and mumbled, "Alohomora". The door clicked and slowly opened.

I stepped in and looked around. On the far end of the room I saw something that instantly erased all conscience thought in my mind. It was a sickening sight and I blinked once to see if that would change the scene, because this was not happening. Remus was lying on the floor. His body was deathly pale and motionless. His lips, the lips that I had so many times pressed to mine, were parted ever so slightly as were his eye lids. His usually kind and inviting brown eyes were vacant. He was lying in a pool of crimson colored fluid, blood.

I felt like everything surrounding me had melted into nonexistence. The only thing that existed was the broken and bloodied body of the man I loved. I opened my mouth to yell, to shout to the heavens, for anybody to hear, to help. Nothing would come. Only a strangled noise escaped from my mouth. I ran to Remus and dropped into my knees, covering them in my loves blood.

I pulled him into my lap and cradled him, and sobbed into hair. I mustered my entire being and do the only thing I knew, the person who could help me. "JAMES! JAMES! QUICK, REMUS, REMUS!" I practically howled the last name. As I screamed I placed a hand to Remus's chest…I could feel something very faint stirring. I yelled again, "JAMES, PETER, QUICKLY!"

I heard a crashing noise in the adjoining room. A few seconds later I heard James voices coming closer, "I swear to God, Black, I could care less…" his voice cut off abruptly and he entered. He was by my side in second. "What happened?" he asked frantically. "I don't know! I found him like this!" James started to examine Remus' body and quickly found the wound on his left wrist that was still issuing a small but steady trickle of blood. "Bollocks!" James exclaimed. Grabbing Remus' wand next to him he whispered a spell at the wound and it sealed itself. Waving the wand again Remus rose into the air.

"We have to get him to the hospital wing. Run ahead of me and let Madam Pomfrey know we are coming."

"NO!" I shouted. By this time the door to the loo was blocked by Peter and Frank who gasped in shock. "You do it; I'm not leaving his side!" James looked as if he was going to argue but nodded. I would not use magic. I was going to hold him in my arms. He was going to feel my warmth; he was going to feel that he wasn't alone. James took off at full speed pass the two in the door. "OUT OF THE WAY!" I shouted and the two complied wordlessly. As I made my way out of the dorm I yelled, "Pete, tell McGonagall what happened."

The race to the infirmary took forever. I held Remus as close to me as I could my tears falling fast onto him. "I'm not going to lose you, Moony, I will NOT lose you" I kept telling him. But in the back of my mind, a terrible cold and cruel voice spoke to me, "He's gone, you've already lost him. You did this. You drove him to this. You killed Remus Lupin." The thought nearly made me throw up. If Remus died…it would be my fault. If he died, I would be following I swore to myself.

After a few turns and going down some stairs I turned a corner and saw Madam Pomfrey and James rushing toward me. The two joined me on either side as we made our way into the hospital wing and to the nearest bed. Laying Remus on the bed as gently but quickly as I could, I let my lips meet his. His lips once so warm and burning with passion were cool and had a pastel tint to them.

The kiss only lasted a few second. Madam Pomfrey roughly shoved me out of the way and drew the curtains around her and Remus. I stumbled back and fell to the ground, clenching my clothes that were stained with blood and moaned, "Remus, please live my love. Please live."


	3. Discovered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, I own not these excellent characters. They all belong to JK. Please read and review!   
> This chapter is from Sirius' point of view.

I have not slept more than an hour or two at a time in the past week and it was beginning to seriously get to me. How could I have betrayed Remus like I that? I could feel new tears start to stream out of my eyes. I had never been one to cry, it wasn't something that was encouraged at Grimmauld Place. "A Black does not cry. That is for lesser people." It was a saying I had heard my father repeat many times over.

It was one of the rules I had actually followed, so even when life was at its hardest, my eyes stayed dry. There were only a couple exceptions. The first was when Remus and I shared our first kiss on top of the astronomy tower. In the two days since Remus officially came out to us, James had been threatening me with every curse he knew until I told Remus how I felt about him. That night Remus and seemed restless and ended up leaving the common room, muttering something about getting some air. After several minutes James pulled out his wand and pointed it at me. "Go tell him you dirty mutt or you will be transformed into one of McGonagall's bras."

I shivered. If I wasn't gay before that I definitely would be now. I nodded and made my way to the tower. Remus was leaning on the rail, lost in thought.

"Remus, we need to talk." I said simply. I took a deep and steadying breath.

I started to pace, and to conceal my shaking hands I put my right hand running through hair. "Remus, the other day when you told us that you were gay, it wasn't exactly the biggest shock I'd ever received. But Remus, when you actually said the magical word, I realized our friendship simply can't continue." I stopped pacing and looked him in the eyes. I felt my mind begin to go off track. Every time I looked directly in his eyes I got lost in them. They were so warm and inviting and they pulled me in. At first I had tried to resist but now I was all too willing to sink into their depths.

"The fact is Moony is that I haven't had just friendly feelings for you in quite a while. Just over time I realized that when I looked at you my heart would gallop, my palms would get sweaty and generally all those nice signs of something deeper than friendship. The truth is…I love you Remus John Lupin and if you feel the same, I'd like to take you on a date this weekend, just the two of us." I continued to stare at him waiting for some kind of reaction…but there was nothing. He didn't run away nor did he run up and cover my sexy body in kisses. In fact, it rather looked like the lights were on but nobody was home.

I cleared my throat. "Moony…Moony…REMUS!" I shouted at the top of my lungs the last word. "You faded out there for a minute chap. So, what do you have to say?"

He looked scared and his voice was shaky when he responded. "I totally understand Padfoot. I should have realized, I mean, the signs were there when I told you and the other two I was gay…" I rolled my eyes and cut across him. "Really? Wow, you can really read me then Moons. I mean, I did everything I could not to really show how I felt, I figured it would make things uncomfortable." I just shook my head. "I…I could just tell. I'm sorry, Sirius. I'll ask McGonagall to move me to a different dormitory…"

I was feeling very frustrated by this point. "Why would I want you in a different dormitory?" Remus' response was terse. "Because you think I'm a sick fucker for being a poof, I should have known you would hate…" I took a few steps closer to Remus until he was just a breath away. "HATE? Moons, did you not hear a word said?" I put my arm around his waist and let my lips touch his. It was even better than I had imagined…and I had imagined it many, many, many a time. As I he started to kiss back I could feel a single tear escape my closed eyes. This was perfect.

But this week…this week and broken me. I cried more this past week than ever in my life, many times over.

I was running late that wretched night. The reason for my tardiness was a detention with McGonagall. For some random reason she didn't like the cat scratching post the Marauders and I had bought her. Since I was the one who presented it to her at the beginning of class, I had been singled out for the detention.

I was making my way through the entrance courtyard when I bumped into a man who had enough grease in his hair it could have supplied the world for eons. I did my best to ignore him; I had much more important things to do that deal with that hooked nose git.

"Black, why are you in such a hurry? Off to breed your bitch?" All thought of getting to the Shrieking Shack was gone. No one ever called Remus a bitch, especially when it was Severus Snape. I wheeled at him, pulling my wand as I did, but he was quicker. I had barley even thought of a spell than I was thrown against a wall of the castle.

"Sorry, not this time Black. But did that offend you? I was simply telling the truth. Lupin is just your bitch; he's the collective bitch of your little group. The wimp couldn't take two steps without of you holding his hand." Snape came closer as I struggled to get up. His face had a malicious grin as he insulted Remus.

"You don't even know Remus, you berk. Remus could destroy you without a wand and you'd never stand a chance." Snape just grinned all the more. "Really? I'd like that to happen. But I doubt it will. He's too fragile to fight for himself after all."

I was beyond on boiling point. I hated this misconception about Remus. People just assumed that the scrawny bookworm was defenseless and weak and the Marauders provided him protection. In truth, Remus was stronger than the Marauders and Gryffindor house combined. Month after month and year after year he put up with his transformations with little protest. Even when the wounds would have killed another, Remus would bear it without so much as a groan of pain. For this pathetic greasy hair git to call Remus defenseless and weak…it was nauseating.

"Fine, Snivellus. You want your chance? You can have it. Remus will be all alone and defenseless and you can take your shot at him. In half an hour go to the Whomping Willow, there is a small knob at the base of it, hit it and go through the tunnel. But I promise you, Remus will tear you to bloody pieces." Snape smiled and slashed his wand again and sent me flying back at the wall and all went black.

When I came around I looked at my watch. I had been out ten minutes. Slowly the conversation I had with Snape came back. It felt like a pile of bricks slide down my throat and into my stomach. Only one word entered my brain and it came out of my mouth in a loud shout. "SHIT!" I blurted and ran faster than I had ever run in my life. I had made it up two flights of the Grand Staircase when I finally ran into Prongs and Wormy. "Ja…Jam…Prongs, I messed up…" I tried to speak as clearly as I could but my body yearning for oxygen made it hard. "Snape…I told him…knot on the willow, Moony…MOONY" I screamed the last word in desperation. What had I done? The pain of my own treachery to my Moony had fully and totally gripped me and my shaking legs gave out.

The look on James's face was absolute terror. 'YOU DID WHAT?" he roared. Without waiting for a response James tore off for the door, as he did he shouted, "PETE, GET DUMBLEDORE!"

My reminiscences about this horrible week were interrupted as I heard someone nearby stir and get out of bed. It was Remus. I could see him through the gap of the bed curtains; he grabbed his wand and made his way to the bathroom. He still wasn't talking to me. Nor were any of the other Marauders. It was like I was in my own personal cloister with no contact to anyone I loved. I hated seeing Remus in his bed.

Until the past week Remus hadn't been in his own bed since the year started nearly 5 months ago. I yearned to feel his warm figure beside me again. I loved being physical with him, and it wasn't just the sex. It was more than that. It was just holding him. It was hearing his slow steady breaths as fell asleep. I missed being able plant a small kiss on his neck and let my face linger there, taking in his exquisite aroma. I missed watching him wake up. His eyes slowly opening and the small smile he got whenever he realized I was watching him. Every time I saw him smile I feel even more madly in love him with.

But that was all gone now. I had seen to that. My body began to tremble again as I tried to stop myself sobbing for the fourth or fifth time that day, I didn't keep track anymore. It would be between class, at meals, or once, as I served one of my many detentions to come. It had taken Professor McGonagall by surprise as had been conversing with Professor Dumbledore and had merely mentioned something about the moon. It was too close to 'Moony' and I broke down.

After several seconds I felt a warm arm over my shoulder. Professor Dumbledore had come to me. He lowered his face near mine and looked at me, his bright blue eyes shining underneath his half-moon specs. "The void of feeling like you have lost a loved one is the deepest form of darkness's in our lives. It seems like the darkness is indestructible. But even when there is a flicker of love left, it is enough because in the heart of the darkness's strength lies weakness: one lone flicker is enough to hold it back. Love is more than a flicker. Love can ignite the stars."

How does that man always have the words to make you feel better I wondered? I was lost in my thoughts for what seemed an eternity. I was waiting for Remus to come back out of the loo. I wanted to glimpse him again and take in his awe striking beauty.

After more time passed I realized my bladder was becoming uncomfortably heavy. Maybe…just maybe if I go in there under the pretense of having to use the loo I could get the chance to stare into his eyes again.

I slid out of my bed and made my way to the door and tried to open it. It wouldn't budge. Playing with the knob a bit the door could not budge. I put my ear to the door and listening…nothing. Had he gone in there and fallen asleep?

Going back to the bed, I grabbed my wand and went back to the door and mumbled, "Alohomora". The door clicked and slowly opened.

I stepped in and looked around. On the far end of the room I saw something that instantly erased all conscience thought in my mind. It was a sickening sight and I blinked once to see if that would change the scene, because this was not happening. Remus was lying on the floor. His body was deathly pale and motionless. His lips, the lips that I had so many times pressed to mine, were parted ever so slightly as were his eye lids. His usually kind and inviting brown eyes were vacant. He was lying in a pool of crimson colored fluid, blood.

I felt like everything surrounding me had melted into nonexistence. The only thing that existed was the broken and bloodied body of the man I loved. I opened my mouth to yell, to shout to the heavens, for anybody to hear, to help. Nothing would come. Only a strangled noise escaped from my mouth. I ran to Remus and dropped into my knees, covering them in my loves blood.

I pulled him into my lap and cradled him, and sobbed into hair. I mustered my entire being and do the only thing I knew, the person who could help me. "JAMES! JAMES! QUICK, REMUS, REMUS!" I practically howled the last name. As I screamed I placed a hand to Remus's chest…I could feel something very faint stirring. I yelled again, "JAMES, PETER, QUICKLY!"

I heard a crashing noise in the adjoining room. A few seconds later I heard James voices coming closer, "I swear to God, Black, I could care less…" his voice cut off abruptly and he entered. He was by my side in second. "What happened?" he asked frantically. "I don't know! I found him like this!" James started to examine Remus' body and quickly found the wound on his left wrist that was still issuing a small but steady trickle of blood. "Bollocks!" James exclaimed. Grabbing Remus' wand next to him he whispered a spell at the wound and it sealed itself. Waving the wand again Remus rose into the air.

"We have to get him to the hospital wing. Run ahead of me and let Madam Pomfrey know we are coming."

"NO!" I shouted. By this time the door to the loo was blocked by Peter and Frank who gasped in shock. "You do it; I'm not leaving his side!" James looked as if he was going to argue but nodded. I would not use magic. I was going to hold him in my arms. He was going to feel my warmth; he was going to feel that he wasn't alone. James took off at full speed pass the two in the door. "OUT OF THE WAY!" I shouted and the two complied wordlessly. As I made my way out of the dorm I yelled, "Pete, tell McGonagall what happened."

The race to the infirmary took forever. I held Remus as close to me as I could my tears falling fast onto him. "I'm not going to lose you, Moony, I will NOT lose you" I kept telling him. But in the back of my mind, a terrible cold and cruel voice spoke to me, "He's gone, you've already lost him. You did this. You drove him to this. You killed Remus Lupin." The thought nearly made me throw up. If Remus died…it would be my fault. If he died, I would be following I swore to myself.

After a few turns and going down some stairs I turned a corner and saw Madam Pomfrey and James rushing toward me. The two joined me on either side as we made our way into the hospital wing and to the nearest bed. Laying Remus on the bed as gently but quickly as I could, I let my lips meet his. His lips once so warm and burning with passion were cool and had a pastel tint to them.

The kiss only lasted a few second. Madam Pomfrey roughly shoved me out of the way and drew the curtains around her and Remus. I stumbled back and fell to the ground, clenching my clothes that were stained with blood and moaned, "Remus, please live my love. Please live."


	4. Crying, Waiting, Hoping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, it all belongs to JK. This is still from Padfoot's POV.

"This isn't happening,"

That is all I could tell myself as the seconds turned into minutes. "This isn't happening." I would close my eyes for a few seconds and open them again, yet the hospital wing did not dissolve. I wasn't warm in my bed and this wasn't a nightmare. It was real. "He might day." I said in my mind. The idea of Moony dead…I had to put my hands over my mouth to stop myself from vomiting. But the thought will not go away. Images start to flash through my head. The way Remus looked at me after the Willow incident, the way Remus looked tonight crumpled against a bathroom wall soaked in blood…Remus, cold, pale, and still inside a coffin.

The last thought is what does it. The little I ate for supper comes rushing out of my mouth and onto the floor in front of me and I can't stop myself from sobbing. I don't know how long I sat there; it seemed like hours but in all probability, just minuets since I got here. A warm hand on my shoulder brings me out of my sickening thoughts. It's James, accompanied by Dumbledore and McGonagall.

All three of whom look as sick as I was. Dumbledore looked ancient and there was no twinkle in his eyes tonight. McGonagall's lips were pursed so tight they had lost their color and James…pale as Remus was and his lips which always seemed ready to break into a grin were a straight line, any chance of a smile gone. Dumbledore and McGonagall strode into the curtains that hid Remus from sight. I caught a brief glimpse of his right foot before the curtains were again closed. I could hear three low and urgent voices speaking and hear the whooshing of spells.

James sat down next to me and just looked at me. There was no need for words. In that instant I realized that I had been forgiven by him. He saw the anguish in my face, the tears pouring down my eyes, and the vomit covered floor. I think this is the first time he actually understood the depth of my love for Remus. Maybe he finally understood that when I told Remus "I love you" they just weren't words to me, because they weren't. Every cell in my body screamed my love for Remus whenever he was around or on my mind. They were never quite, I needed him. "If he doesn't live, I don't either." I thought to myself and I meant every word. A world without Remus John Lupin was not a world I neither wanted to nor could live in.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see James open and close his mouth. He was speechless as I was. "Did he have…was he…was he alive when you handed him over?" His voice was barely perceptible. I nodded once, not trusting myself to open my mouth. James let out a deep sigh and buried his head into his hands.

The seconds ticked, each seeming like an eternal night. Finally, McGonagall emerged from behind the curtain. Again, I caught a brief glimpse of what was going on behind the curtain. Dumbledore had his wand out and it was pointed at Remus, whose body was covered in a purple mist that issued from the Headmasters wand. McGonagall stared at the two of us, her face ashen and yet more kindly than I had ever seen it. "Potter, Black, perhaps it is best you return to your dormitory. There isn't anything you can do here. I will keep you updated"

My eyes locked onto her eyes. "No." I said simply and quietly and looked back at the curtains. "Mr. Black, it wasn't an optio-" I wasn't going to deal with this shit. She was not going to separate me from Moony. I cut across her as sharply as I had every talked to someone in my life. "Professor, I will leave this room under only two conditions. One is hand in hand with Remus. The second is in a wooden box because either Remus has…didn't make it or because Dumbledore, Poppy, and you have hexed into oblivion."

McGonagall's eyes turned hard as stone for a moment. They searched into mine and as they did they softened. I could tell by the look on her face she realized that I was completely serious. "Very well, Black. You and Potter may stay."

I fell back into the chair I had been occupying and closed my eyes and listening for anything that was said behind the curtain, yet afraid I would here words that would tell me it was too late. A half hour went by before Professor Dumbledore emerged from behind the curtains. The Headmaster was pale, but a small twinkle had rekindled in his eyes. Remus, was going to live. I know it.

"He's going to make it." I said this not as a question, but out of instinct. Dumbledore nodded gravely and motioned for James and me to sit as we had stood whenever he had appeared. "Mr. Lupin sustained a very serious wound and lost almost half of his body. I have no doubt in saying that if you had been ten minutes later, Mr. Black, there would have been nothing any person could have done. You assuredly saved his life. Now, in cases like this, I am supposed to contact St. Mungo's. Since Mr. Lupin suffers from, what I believe Mr. Potter calls a "furry condition" I will not do this as the Ministry would investigate why Mr. Lupin did this and opening a whole new problem for us. I will be contacting his parents, until then, family only."

I opened my mouth to protest but before I could say a word Dumbledore had turned to James. "Mr. Potter, I know he is your friend, but I will have to ask you to leave. I'm sure Mr. Black will keep you informed of Mr. Lupin's progress. But I believe they need their alone time." James chewed his lip for a second but did not protest. James gave a quick glance at his hidden friend and looked at me. "Let me know as soon as he is up for a visit." I nodded. "Of course." After a brief glance between the two of us James slowly made his way to the door of the infirmary.

Dumbledore turned back to me. "I do not know why Mr. Lupin did this to himself. I can only assume it has to do with the events of the past week. I have seen how both of you have taken it, and to say it is atrocious falls woefully short of accurate. What I do know is you two have a very deep love of each other. He needs you now more than I ever I daresay. I also heard what you said earlier and it does not take an expert in legilimency to know you were not exaggerating in the least. Please feel free to stay as long as he needs you to. You will be excused from your classes."

Fresh tears of gratitude started to cascade down my face and I nodded and could only murmur a small thank you. I moved passed Dumbledore and past the curtain and gazed on Remus. He was still was very pale. But I noticed he was breathing evenly. Relief surged through my body, even more so than when Dumbledore told me Remus would be OK. I had to see it for myself. I had to confirm for myself that Remus was still alive.

I took in the sight. Remus, in all his paleness, still looked beautiful. His brown hair was still in its usually carefully combed state. He was still nude from when Madam Pomfrey had ripped off his clothes. It was a terrible yet striking sight. My gaze went from his face to his neck and chest where so many faint scars littered them. My eyes took me to his wrist, which was wrapped. This is where Remus had done it. Where Remus had pointed his own wand at it and tried to take his own life. I felt a sudden blast of fury at Remus, fury that Remus would be so bloody self-centered and rip himself away from me, from the Marauders, even from Lily.

My view of Remus was obstructed as Madam Pomfrey waved her wand and a pair of very comfortable looking pajamas appeared on Remus. She too looked pale, almost as pale as Remus. She was very fond of Remus and almost saw him as her own child. Month after month I saw how she took care of Remus after his transformation. The way she doted on him and lovingly made sure he was back in top conditions before she would be consider releasing him.

A sudden odd realization hit me. This had been the very bed Remus usually ended up in after the full moon. The first transformation after we had become a couple and just three full moons after James, Peter, and I had perfected our animagi powers, I had come in after Madam Pomfrey had retrieved him as usual. As he lay there, a smile on his face, I swooped in for a kiss on his lips. A sudden clatter made us all turn to see that Madam Pomfrey had dropped some items she had been carrying, her cheeks were burning red. She made as if it had been an accident but the several quick glances between Remus and I confirmed she had seen us.

Remus hit me playfully on the shoulder and tried to stop himself from smiling. "You dumb mutt, I told you no public affection. You are going to give Poppy a stroke." I grinned my crooked grin that I knew Remus loved and kissed him again. "Oh come on Remmie. You never know, two studs like us, she probably wants to join in." Remus just rolled his eyes, smiled and leaned in for another kiss. Half an hour later as Madam Pomfrey had checked Remus over one last time and told him he could leave, I could have sworn I saw here look at the two of us and small slightly.

But that was a different day. She had no smile as she looked at the two of us now, nor were there burning red cheeks. There were just tracks where tears had flown down both of our cheeks. "Rem…" Her voice was motherly as she started to say his name but quickly stopped herself. She corrected herself and adopted a more professional tone. "Mr. Lupin will not be awake for several hours. The Headmaster, against my advice might I add, insisted you stay here until he awakens. If you get tired, use the bed next to his." Casting one last glance at Remus she made her way out of the curtained off area, leaving just Remus and I.

Disregarding the bed beside him bollocks, I laid myself on the edge of the right side of his bed. I slide my left arm above Remus's head and intertwined my fingers and his hair and my right arm slide up his pajama top and positioned it on his chest and felt his heartbeat. More tears started to swell in my eyes. Every beat was so very exquisite to me. It was worth more to me than all the gold in the world.

Memories started to come back to me and I closed my eyes. The two of us, almost in the exact some position, but in Gryffindor tower. It was the Christmas holiday and the two of us were the only Gryffindor's left save a second year that stayed to himself. It was the first night of the holiday when we had made love for the first time.

We had been in bed cuddling and just talking about different things. One hand ran through his soft hair and the other and crept under his shirt. Remus seemed a bit scared, he could feel the excitement that was pulsating from me, but he was trying to pretend it wasn't there. "I still think that if we are going to do a map, we will need to do it outside of just the full moon. I really don't think it prudent that a werewolf be inside the castle." I smiled and moved so that I was on all fours with Remus underneath me. "Oh why not Moony? People will be able to see what a wild animal you really are. Not the nerdy bookworm they assume you do be." With each word I had moved my face closer to his until our lips met.

My tongue snaked out of my mouth and demanded access to Remus's, which complied. The kiss was intense and grew more passionate. My body lowered until it was on top of Remus. As we kissed my right hand which had been cupping his cheek moved down until it was just beside a bulge that was quickly forming in his pants. My hand gently moved a few inches until it was rubbing the bulge. Remus let out a quick gasp and pulled away. "Padfoot, I'm not sure this is a good idea, I…I think…" But his words trailed away as we gazed at each other. "What is it that you think love?" I asked nonchalantly, raising an eyebrow. "If I ask you something will you be serious and answer it?" I smiled and opened my mouth, but it was quickly covered my Remus's hand. "I swear to God if you make a "Of course I'll be Sirius, I'm always Sirius, or some other God awful joke I will hex you."

I pouted for a second and nodded and kissed his hand. Remus lowered it. "Of course my dear Remus, 'nary a man would be more serious in answering you!" I insisted in a regal tone. Remus hesitated and seemed to struggle with himself. "Sirius, I care about you more than I would like to admit. I don't doubt either that you care about me, it's apparent. I just…I guess I'm just afraid how this will change us if we start becoming more…intimate. I'm afraid something will happen like I'm so bad you'll laugh and tell be to bugg-"

It was my turn to cover his mouth. "Remmie, I don't want to bang you because I think it will be a mind blowing experience, which I know it will be." Remus seemed unsure but I continued before he cut me off, my voice sincere. "Remus, I don't want to have sex with you just to get my rocks off. I want to make love to you because I want us that make that joining that is made when two people in love are intimate. I love you Remus John Lupin. I love you more than I think you can even begin to fathom. I want us to know every single centimeter of each other, the way only lovers know each other."

Remus continued to stare at me for a few seconds after I stopped speaking. He lowered his head and I prepared myself for rejection. Instead, before I realized he had moved, Remus's hands had made their way to the buttons of my pants. Fumbling with them he finally managed to unbutton them and started to pull my pants off.

Within seconds we were kissing and trying to desperately remove the others clothes. My mouth moved of Remus's lips to his neck. Remus groaned in pleasure as I kissed and removed his boxers and took his hard member into my hand. After softly stroking it I felt Remus takes his legs and wrap them around me. "Please, Sirius, now." His voice was a whimper, he was pleading. He was where I was. I needed to be inside of him, I needed to make love to him. Everything that wasn't Remus was wiped out of my mind.

A few hours later our sweaty bodies lay intertwined with each other. I was lying on top of Remus, my head buried in the crook of his shoulder. We lay there for hours, not speaking, as words were not necessary. All the "I love you's" we could have said was radiating off of each of us and the either could feel it. Finally, Remus spoke. "So, Sirius, is it just me, or do you think Prongs will be pissed off that we fucked in his bed?"

I opened my eyes ready to answer him when the scene that greeted me was different. Remus, pale and still in the hospital wing. Leaning into his ear I whispered, "I still and will always love you Moony." Kissing his ear where I had just made my affirmation of love, I closed my eyes again and after a few minutes my exhaustion had caught up with me and sleep finally came.


	5. The Musings of James Potter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All belongs to JK.   
> This chapter is from James Potter's pov.

I just sat in my bed. Too shocked to move, speak, or really even think. This wasn't like Remus. Remus was strong, by far stronger than any person I've ever known. For him to take the easy way out…it wasn't the way of a Marauder. I take off my glasses and rub my eyes continually, trying to get the images out of my head. I thought the worse day I would ever encounter at school was when Pad…Black, had squealed to Snevellis. About an hour ago Professor McGonagall came here to inform us that Remus was going to make it. For a few seconds I got the feeling you get after eating some chocolate after leaving the presence of a dementor. But the shock set in not long after.

People often said that Sirius and I were like brother, and it was true. Even with his colossal fuck up a week ago, Sirius was my brother in every way but blood. My relationship had always been different with Remus though. He was more akin to the role of father of the marauders. He was by far the smartest of us, the wisest, and the most paternal. When any of us (and many other Gryffindor's for that matter) had a problem, they sought the gentle wisdom of Remus Lupin.

What makes me sick is that if people knew every detail, such of his furry little problem; they would be petrified of him and hate him. It simply wasn't fair. It sometimes still shocked me that people hadn't figured out exactly what he was up to and why he was gone the day after the moon. By January of our second year we had looked at lunar charts for the past year and every one of his absences had coincided with the full moon. He always came back looking pale and worn.

Whenever we asked what was wrong he always insisted it was simply from the stress of dealing with sick family members who always seemed on the verge of death…every month…at the full moon.

I still the remember the night we confronted him. Sirius, Pete, and I had waited in the dorm room waiting for Remus to get back from the library. A little after seven he came bounding into the room, a thick book in hand and an expression of pure joy that he got whenever he encountered a particularly alluring book. His smile faltered whenever he saw the solemn looks on our faces. We were all sitting on his bed. I wasn't really nervous, just hurt, hurt he didn't tell us. Sirius had told me he felt the same and while Pete tried to also claim that he looked far more uncomfortable than Sirius or I.

"Umm, hello," Remus said in an attempt to start conversation. His eyes darted between the three of us on the bed. I caught Sirius looking at me out of the corner of my eye and he gave me a small nod. Clearing my throat I tried to act as casual as possible when one confronts ones friend about the possibility that every month on the full moon he turns into a hairy and ferocious killing machine. "So, Remus, how is your mom doing?"

Remus looked even more confused and waited a few seconds before answering. "She's better. Thank you so much for asking." Remus made his way to his nightstand and laid his book in it and turned back to us. "I'll tell her you asked she will be very touched."

Sirius nodded and took up the conversation. "Good to hear. But she will be getting sick again next Saturday, won't she?" A spasm of fear crossed Remus's face and when he spoke his voice had a slight edge to it. "How should I know? Her illnesses flairs up whenever it does. I…I don't have its planner." He turned and started to leave.

But before he had got to the door Sirius had raised his wand, muttered a spell and the door locks clicked. Remus turned around, a mix of anger and fear on his face. "What in the bloody hell is going on, Sirius?" Sirius stood up and took two menacing steps to Remus. "Well, the thing is Remus, it just seems odd that she gets sick once a month. James, Peter, and I realized in September that every time in first year your mother was sick the night of the full moon and the pattern continued this year. That's a rather predictable pattern."

A look of real distress came into existence in Remus's posture and look. He became fidgety. "It's just a coincidence." I stood now and came even with Sirius, Peter a step behind. "See, Remus. We don't think it is. We noticed that whenever you get back the next afternoon, you always look like you are the one fighting a bad illness, and not your mother." Remus's breathing became quicker. Beads of sweat became to form at his brow. "Well, it's very stress..." But before Remus could finish, Sirius cut across him. "Remus we are tired of playing this game. We know exactly what you are. The evidence is too much for anyone to deny, so stop lying to us." With a beat in between words, Sirius finally said the word that had become an elephant in the room. "Remus, you're a werewolf." When he said it, there wasn't disgust that Remus would later say he heard. To me the way Sirius had said it had been as if it had been something bottled up for eons and could no longer be contained.

What little color remaining in Remus's face evaporated. He had an expression of fear, dread, and resignation on his face. He closed his eyes and nodded. When he opened them his eyes had become very watery. He simply looked around the room for almost a full minute and nodded again. "I…yes. Yes, Sirius, I am." His eyes flicked back to us and his eyes made direct contact with Sirius, mine, and then Pete's.

Without another word he pushed past the three of us and grabbed the trunk at the end of his bed and proceeded to throw it on the bed and open in. He started to put things from his nightstand into the drunk, his hands shaking like mad as he did. "What are you doing?" Peter had finally spoken. His words were barely audible in the almost silent room. "I'm getting out of here before you and the rest of the house, wait, who am I kidding? The rest of the school tries to mob me. Just…please, please, allow me to get out of here first before you tell anyone else."

After he had spoken he looked back at us. The look of pain in his eyes was obvious. His lips were quivering as he was trying to hold back his tears.

"Why would we tell anyone, Remus?" Sirius asked his voice level and calmer than it had been. Remus let out a sound I had never heard from him before. It wasn't his usual laugh; it was deeper, darker, and mocking. "Oh please, Sirius. Do you really expect me to believe you are going to simply keep this to yourselves? I'm many things, Sirius, I'm a half-blood, I'm a nerd, I'm a werewolf, but I'm not a bloody idiot."

"Yes, we do." I said simply. "Remus, we don't are you are a werewolf. We are your friends. We will always be your friends. What we are angry about is you didn't trust us. Friends are honest with each other."

Sirius walked forward and took the objects Remus was holding out of his hands and put them back on his night table. "Remus, you are staying here. James is right; none of us are saying a damn thing. We stick together no matter what." Remus looked at us as if he were expecting one of to break the silence with a "Gotcha!" when it didn't happen he slowly nodded. "Fine…but remember this from now on. If any of you take from my chocolate stash or one of my books, you are going to be my chew toy on the next full moon."

As the years went on, the Marauders were formed. The three of us became anamagi. And I watched Sirius fall more deeply in love with Remus. I wasn't the only one. Half of Gryffindor noticed the odd behavior of the two. While we all gave hugs, wrestled and such, the physical interaction between Sirius and Remus had always been different, it was more affectionate.

Sirius would put his chin on Remus's shoulder as Remus read a book; they would share the same chair in the common room and lay their head on each other's shoulders and fall asleep like that. Whenever Remus had a nightmare, Sirius would get out of his own bed and sit by Remus until he fell back asleep. When Sirius had been hurt in a qudditch and spent the night in the infirmary, Remus had another nightmare. I tried to do what Sirius usually did, but Remus simply couldn't get back to sleep.

By the end of fourth year, Sirius, who had dated at a veracious rate suddenly stopped. Girls would hit on him and they would barely get a reaction out of Sirius. The day after we started our fifth year I had enough. On the pretense of talking about this year's quidditch team, Sirius and I went to an empty classroom. "I really think that Hamilton would be a great bea…" The look I gave Sirius made his comment drift into nothingness. "This isn't about quidditch, is it?"

I shook my head. "Sirius, we need to talk about something. Something that is going on between you and Remus, something that even a blind person can see." Sirius did not offer a protest as I figured he would. Instead his shoulders slumped and he started to bite one of his fingernails. "You like him don't you…as in more than a friend." He nodded and sighed. "Pretty disgusting isn't it mate. I fancy our own Remus Lupin." "It's not disgusting, Sirius. What's disgusting is watching you two and neither of you making the move.

Sirius chuckled quietly. "There is no move to be made, Jimmy. He's not a poof like me." I gave him a dubious look. "Come on Sirius, let's face it. Remus is into chaps as well. He's never so much as glanced at a girl in any way other than friendly, outside of us, all of his friends are girls, and let's face it, his dress sense is irrefutable." Sirius smiled but it was a sad smile. "Even if he was gay, and I'll even assume he does like me. It doesn't mean he wants a relationship. I'm broken goods. I'm a Black. I couldn't let Remus defile himself to be with something like me. He's too good for me."

"Bullocks" I said forcefully. "You two are bloody perfect for one another. Like Lily Evans and myself! It's written in the stars!" Sirius's crooked grin returned to his face. "Sorry to tell you chap, but even as pessimistic as I am I think I have a better shot with Rem than you do with Evans."

I glowered at him but continued. "How about this, if and when he comes out to us, you tell him. Because if I have to deal with you two giving each other those puppy dog looks and then running away from your feelings, I'll hex the both of you into treats for the giant squid."

Until a week ago they had been the perfect couple. Their love for each other was so pure and apparent. Even those girls who had been bitterly disappointed by the fact Sirius was a poof couldn't help but awe at the way they looked at each other or held hands as they walked around the lake, pausing every so often so exchange a small kiss.

A week ago I thought it was all over. A few hours ago I thought Remus was all over with…no…they both would have been over with. Even with the shit surrounding the Willow incident, their love for each other was still there, I could see it, but both had been so broken and betrayed I didn't think it was repairable. Both became zombies, going through the motions of everyday life but neither was truly present. My anger at Sirius had abated some but not enough to have things go back to normal between us.

Tonight, I had just managed to fall into a good sleep when I heard frantic screaming. "JAMES! JAMES! QUICK, REMUS, REMUS!" It was Sirius. I rolled over in my bed. I don't know why and what he was yelling his head off about but for now it wasn't my concern. "JAMES, PETER, QUICKLY!" There was something in the tone of his voice when he yelled the second time. Pulling back the curtains around my bed and running to the door I wasn't happy and I let him know it. "I swear to God, Black, I could care less…" but when I saw the scene of Remus on the floor and covered in blood and Sirius over him the words form my lips disappeared.

I was by his side in second. "What happened?" I asked frantically. "I don't know! I found him like this!" I started to examine Remus' body and quickly found the wound on his left wrist that was still issuing a small but steady trickle of blood. "Bollocks!" I exclaimed. It was deep, very deep. His skin was cold to the touch. My first thought was that I was touching a corpse. Grabbing Remus' wand next to me I whispered a spell at the wound and it sealed itself. Waving the wand again Remus rose into the air.

"We have to get him to the hospital wing. Run ahead of me and let Madam Pomfrey know we are coming." I ordered to Sirius.

"NO!" His tone was final; I knew there would be no debate. "You do it; I'm not leaving his side!" I wanted to argue but I nodded. This wasn't the time for it.

I ran as fast as I could, faster than I had ever run in my life. When I reached the infirmary I pulled out Remus's wand and sound like the blast of a cannon sounded. I heard a noise and Pomfrey came out of a door. "James Potter! What on earth…" I cut her off; out of breath as I was I managed to make myself clear.

"It's Remus, he tried to kill himself. Sirius is bringing him; I think…I think he's gone." Madam Pomfrey's hands shot up to her mouth and she dashed out to the corridor. I followed and saw Sirius, Remus in his arms. He laid Remus on the bed and he bent down and crushed his lips to Remus's.

The kiss only lasted a few second. Madam Pomfrey roughly shoved him out of the way and drew the curtains around her and Remus. Sirius stumbled back and fell to the ground, clenching his clothes that were stained with blood and moaned, "Remus, please live my love. Please live." He nearly shouted the last two words, sobbing as he did.

At that instant I realized that if Remus did die, it would be a death sentence for Sirius as well. There would be no way he would want to live or considering finding someone else. Truth be told, I couldn't imagine my life without Remus Lupin. He was as much as my family as Sirius was. Without either of them I wouldn't be complete.

Now, sitting on the bed, I breathed a small sigh of relief. Remus, and by extension, Sirius would both live. I just hoped and prayed this would wake both of them up and all the shit with Snape would be forgotten. They needed each other. They would only be happy if they had each other. And while hours ago I would have been against any reconciliation yet, I realized now, really for the first time, the depth of their love. I knew it had been deep and true and I found it beautiful. Tonight…tonight I had seen the dark side of love. It was beautiful yet terrible. I wonder if Lily and I ever got together and got married, how she would react if I had died or came close to death. I knew how I would react; I knew I would be in Sirius's shoes.

 


	6. Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AN: Remember, reviews are like cocaine for an addict, I need them! Any who, JK owns all.  
> From Moony's POV

I spent a long time trying to decide if I was alive. On one hand I clearly was capable of thought. But that could mean I was alive or I was simply in whatever afterlife there was. I tried to open my eyes, but my lids were too heavy for them to actually lift. I managed to open enough to see some white curtains…the hospital wing..."Great" I thought to myself. I tried to move but my entire body felt the way my eyelids felt, unnaturally heavy. I willed myself to move but really nothing responded. A sharp pain throbbed on my left wrist which made me stop moving. Yep…I'm definitely alive. Great job, Remus, you can't even successfully stamp out your miserable pathetic self. What a bloody winner. I lay there, reprimanding myself for a while. I wasn't exactly sure how long.

It was only gradually I became aware of a warm and heavy presence on my right side. After a bit, I was able to muster enough strength and turn my head and open my eyes enough to make out what it was. Or should I say who it was actually. It was none other than Sirius. He was sleeping. His face was red and puffy as if he had been crying. I was mildly astounded. Closing my eyes I allowed the image in my mind sink in. He was here, he was with me and it was clear he had been crying. A voice in the back of my head bitterly commented "Crying because you survived, Lupin. Crying because he thought he would be finished with you." I mentally shook the head out of my thought.

No…that couldn't be it…maybe…maybe…but no, he couldn't love me. Hadn't him telling Snape about the Whomping Willow proven that Sirius didn't love me and I couldn't trust Sirius? Who would betray the person they supposedly loved like that? Yet here he was, curled up next to him with a puffy face. My brain ached from the strain of thinking. This probably wasn't the best time to figure out the complexities of life.

I let my mind go blank for a bit but after a while it started to drift to the past summer. It had been less than a week since the end of term. Since I had seen him last at King's Cross Station, I had waited impatiently for a letter from my boyfriend. Sirius had sworn on his Marauder honor to write daily and when possible, come for a visit. It was just after dawn when I heard an owl scratching at my window. Getting up I opened the window and I recognized Prongs' owl at once. What I had received was a messily scribbled note from James. I recognized this version of his writing. It meant he had been up all night and was exhausted.

_Moony,_

_Sirius ran away from home last night, at my place safe and sound. He told me why but I think Padfoot should tell you himself. He is currently asleep and, might I add, snoring quite loudly. How the bloody hell do you manage to get any sleep whenever you two are sharing a bed? Actually, wait, I don't want to know. I'm sure you are worried off your little lycan buttocks, but rest assured your mate is ok._

_Your fellow faithful Marauder,_

_Rt. Hon. James Edward 'Prongs' Potter, Marauder_

 

James was right. I did worry and worried all day until around supper time I received another owl.

_To: My sexy and remarkable boyfriend, Mr. R. J. Lupin, Holt, Norfolk, UK_

_From: The equally amazing and fuckable Mr. S. O. Black_

I frantically tore open the envelope and read the letter three times, letting each word sink into my soul, tracing each letter with my eye, knowing it was Sirius's hand who had written them.

_Dearest Moony,_

_I haven't told you this in about a week, which is FAR too blood long, but, I_ _LOOOOOOOOOOOVE_ _you! Please note the emphases I place on the word love. Did you notice? Surly you must have. If not please go back and notice how each letter is capitalized and the word has been underlined three times. I believe you realize that means a lot of emphases. As my private secretary, a Mr. Potter, has informed you, I have moved out of Grimmauld Place (Thanks be to Merlin). You deserve to know what happened. I had been penning a letter to you to let you know of my loving affection. However, nature called and I ran off to use the loo. I, stupidly, left my door ajar and my daft idiotic should have never been born dear brother popped into my room and saw the letter bearing my love to you._

_Because he is such a wanker he decided it was prudent to show my birthing units mother and father, neither of which were fond of the fact I get my rocks off to another chap. After calling you some rather nasty names and that I must end the relationship now, for I am destined to be with my dear cousin, Bellatrix. I told them to hell with that, I had found the man of my dreams and I wouldn't be touching that dirty pureblooded twat even if it meant a Chuddly Cannon's world cup win (By the way, at this point you are supposed to be damn proud I stood up for you)._

_This, not being the answer they hoped for, said I must choose between the House of Black and you. Can you believe they actually thought I'd consider choosing them? Nutty, right? I kindly (ok, yelled it) informed them they could suck my wand (Of course wand being a substitute for penis in this instance. I didn't know if you would get that, having such a sweet and innocent mind as you do. That said…you can suck my wand any day…I'm surprised my eyes unrolled from the back of my head since you did that right before we got into King's Cross)._

_So, long story short, the Potter's have graciously invited me to live with them. Sometime this summer you must come over the Marauders can begin to plan for a fantastical year of pranks and such. However, if possible, I would like to come see YOU for a couple days. You told me that you would be telling your parents about our excellent shagging relationship. I would like to personally thank Mr. and Mrs. Lupin for producing such a wonderful boy for me to use as my chew toy love._

_On a Sirius note (HA! PUN! You know you love that joke!) I am ok and happy to be away from them. I do miss you terribly, Moony, and I can't wait until I see you again. I love you so very much._

_XOXOXXOXO_

_Sirius_

I couldn't help but smile. I could sense Sirius was stressed, yet he always was able to make anyone laugh even when it was the least appropriate.

After getting the ok from my parents, Sirius would be arriving three days after I got his first letter. The day before he was to arrive I finally sucked up all the courage I had. As my parents, my brother, and I all sat down for breakfast I cleared my throat. "Umm..mum…dad…there is something I shroud probably tell you know before Sirius gets here."

Everyone looked at me expectantly. I opened my mouth but the words I was about to say and run away in fear. I didn't think my parents would hate me. I mean, after all, they accepted the whole turning-into-a-blood-thirsty-monster-once-a-month-thing and didn't have me put down.

"Well, Remus, get on with it!" My dad had said half smiling. I nodded and cleared my throat once more. "It's about Sirius…see…umm…we are…well…gay…well I mean, I'm gay…well…Sirius is too, and well see, we are…" the words stumbled out of my lips awkwardly and by the end I felt I had made the point I needed to. They could feel in the rest.

My mum and dad looked at each other, their expressions were identical. I held my breath, waiting for one of them to say something. Eventually my dad nodded. "Well…I told you Hope, that it looked like Sirius kissed Rem on the cheek at King's Cross."

Hope put up her hands in mock act of placation. "Well, I thought maybe he was just whispering something…while embracing…for a long time." I looked at my mum and dad…their eyes were sparkling. "So I take it there are no objections?"

My mum reached and grabbed my right hand. "Honey, if he makes you happy, that is all that matters." I smiled and nodded. "I've never been happier in my life."

I sighed. My parents had been so thrilled for me. The day he was to come, for some reason I was nervous…no…strike that, I was beyond nervous, I was on the verge of outright panic. They had of course met Sirius before…but this was different. This wasn't Sirius my friend, this was Sirius my soul mate…foolishly sentimental, yes, but at the time I thought we would be together for the rest of our lives. Rather it be long or short, we would go through life hand in hand.

When the gentle knock at the door sounded at half past noon, I had to take several calming breaths as I made my way down the stairs and to the front door. After another gentle 'tap, tap , tap' I opened the door.

Sirius was standing there, looking as beautiful as always, his crooked grin melting my heart. "Hi" was all I could manage as I stared into the depths of his eyes. He just smiled all the wider and leaned forward and put his lips to mine. My eyes closed as I moaned in desire. It had been too long since I had felt his glorious lips. We were not meant to be apart like this, we were meant to be with each other at all times, the separation we had experienced was against the very nature of our souls.

When I opened my eyes, I looked back into Sirius's eyes…except there was no crooked grin. They were puffy and red and his face pale. He was lying next to me in a bed in the infirmary. In a soft voice I could scarcely make out, he breathed a single word. "Remus".


	7. Forgiveness?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still don't own any of it, still JK's. From Padfoot's POV

Chapter 6: Forgiveness?

His name escaped my lips without my volition. I couldn't help it, I had opened my eyes and instead of looking at what had been an almost lifeless corpse, I saw his enchanting eyes, open and alert, staring right at me. His eyes had always captivated me, they were a warm brown color, very inviting. As my friendship turned to a crush, and a crush into love, his eyes began to hold me like a trap. Once I looked into them I couldn't look away.

This time was no different. It was a thirst that could not be quenched, I wouldn't even allow myself to blink, I was afraid if I closed my eyes I would never see those inviting eyes I loved so much.

Remus also stared at me, tears forming in the corners of his eyes. Without thinking, I did what was instinctual, Remus was sad; I had to make him better. I propped myself up with one arm and looked down at Remus. My other hand cupped his right cheek and I leaned it and brushed my lips against his. He let out of small moan and closed his eyes. I pulled back and looked back at him. The tears that were brimming in his eyes rolled over and started to run down his cheek.

His lips parted and his voice was so low it was barely discernable. "Sirius…you kissed me?" It was a question. I could hear the shock in his tiny voice. I just nodded. "Observant bloke you are, Moony. I pity the person who tries to get something past you."

He closed his eyes and a stab of panic hit me. I didn't want him to close his eyes. I knew he would be fine but something in the back of my mind equated his closed eyes to him being dead. I did something I knew would jerk them open. I reached down to his left wrist, brought it to my lips and kissed it.

I was right, they jerked open and he tried to feebly pull his wrist out of my hand. I held tight to it. "Sirius, what are you doing?" But my eyes were focused on his wrist. A sudden surge of anger hit me. With Professor Dumbledore's spells and the work of Madam Pomfry, only a small pink line remained of what had been a deep wound. Remus had done this to himself. He had tried to rip himself away from me forever. Tears of anger obscured my vision as I looked down at him. "I'm forgiving you, Remus."

He looked confused. "Forgiving me for what? I didn't do anything to yo—"

I cut him off. "Yes, Remus, you did. Don't you get it you scrawny git? Don't you get what you would have done to me if you had died? It would be a double murder! You are all I have ever wanted and could ever hope to have. You are everything to me. Without you I have no reason to stick everything out. I realize I hurt you, but you refused to hear my remorse. You wouldn't hear me out. I tried to tell you what happened. I tried to defend you Remus! Snape kept calling you a coward, called you my bitch. I lost my temper and I snapped. I wanted to scare him, to show him you are the bravest person at this school…when I realized what I had done I went straight to James…and I tried to apologize, to make it right. Instead of giving me the benefit of the doubt or at the very least hearing me out, you did this…this…you took the coward's way out. You proved Snape was right!"

With the last words I lost my composure and started to cry in earnest. "But Remus, I am going to do something you refused to do for me. I'm going to forgive you. Because that's what you do for someone you love. If they are truly sorry, you forgive them."

Remus hesitated, looking at me, and then I saw his right arm slowly come up, his hand slid slowly from my cheek to the back of my head, his fingers running through my hair. As he did he applied a little pressure, urging me to come closer. I lowered my face so it came closer to his face. We were inches apart, his eyes staring into mine. Lifting his head slightly our lips met once more.

The kiss was fleeting, but the warmth that started from my lips filled the rest of my body. It acted as a stimulant, my entire body, which had been racked with fatigue suddenly, became more alive and alert then it had in weeks.

Remus laid his head back down on the pillow and seemed to hesitate. "Sirius, the reason I…I did this was because I thought I had lost you. I thought you had realized how idiotic you were in saying you cared and…you wanted a clean way out. You could remove me from the picture and take Snape out too…I figured you thought you could get rid of the two things you hated the most."

The words hurt. How could he ever think I could…well…I had given him plenty of reasons to make him think I hated him. I had betrayed him. Plain and simple, I had betrayed the man I loved more than anything else. I leaned close to Remus. "Remus John Lupin, I am so very sorry to what I have done to you. I betrayed you. I don't deserve your forgiveness. But please, Remus, know that I never would intentionally hurt you."

Remus's lips turned into a small smile. "Of course you obnoxious mongrel. Just promise never to hurt me like this again. Also promise me to tell me every day how you feel about me." I couldn't help but smile. "I love you." Three simple words, I thought, simple, yet more powerful than any incantation I would ever learn.

Remus smile widened and nodded. "Good, as I'm somewhat fond of you as well. But I'm also fond of sleep." And within a few minutes he had fallen into a deep sleep.

I lay back down. A few hours ago I thought Remus was dead. Now…he had forgiven me. He had forgiven me…the words kept running through my mind. Relief shot through my body. I turned to him and wrapped my arms around him. I lightly kissed his temple and rest my head on his chest. I had my reason to live again.


End file.
